my constant grief

                                       
    

April 9th
my constant grief

it is, I have decided,  just luck

it was not destiny, a gift

nor divine intervention

i was just lucky

some are

some aren't

and like most things in life

it just is what it is

and for some

grief comes much too early

they are much to young
and not prepared

for me
it came later in life

but still,  i was not prepared
and it was, what it was
i could not change it

death crept in
cloaked in hushed voices
 lowlights & soft touches

then suddenly

eyes open wide
a last breath is inhaled
and her silence releases me 

 into an endless sea of grief

 orphaned, with no lifeboat,
no anchor or mainstay
and no chart 
to see me safely through 

'hold tight', i whispered
as grief's savage waves & fury 
tossed me about
alone, lost in a sea of grief

suspended
on the edge of time

was it for a second, a minute,
an eternity, i do not know
but now,  a familiar state of emptiness
my grief - has become my familiar
and even as the harsh waves abate 
and my ocean of grief
calms & settles
it is still near
it will be forever

my constant companion
.....

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Sounds I Love & Noises I Hate

the truth about sound is 

it can be noisy

it isn't always 

musical or soothing

often, it is

pushy 

intrusive

threatening

noise, any kind of noise

is pure emotion

and it never travels alone

it is always accompanied

by a 

memory

noisesoundloudquietnoisesoundsongmusicscreechnoisesoundloudband

sounds that

comfort

me

 keys in door

he's home, safe

cats purring 

contentment

baby giggles

happiness, joy

sewing machine

comfort, tradition, family

bird chirp & chatter

peace, tranquility

lawn mower 

calm, placid, home

choir music

hope

falling water

endurance 

dishwasher

order, control, completion

noisesoundloudquietnoisesoundsongmusicscreechnoisesoundloudband

everyday

noises that

disturb or sadden 

me

 

whistling

 revulsion, anger

slamming door 

fear, dread, panic

yelling, ranting

broken, hurt, damaged

humming

hostility, disgust, fake forgiveness 

static

irritation

loud footsteps

doom, anxiety, trapped

engine 'clicking'

irritation, defeat

whispers

paranoid, anxious, fearful

noisesoundloudquietnoisesoundsongmusicscreechnoisesoundloudband

the sounds of life

strung out along a musical staff 

& 

held together by a treble clef

 often

overwhelm me

in the most beautiful way 

possible

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nature's music

                                but interested

     

Nature's music is never over; her silences are pauses, not conclusions.  

 -  Mary Webb -

one the greatest things about nature

 is that it's free 

all you have to do

 is go outside

&

listen

~

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fear

 about being afraid

             fearlessfearlessfearlessfearlessfearlessfearlessfearlessfearlessfearless

fear
it doesn't run my life
but

i avoid it at all costs

meaning

i usually don't go, do, eat, drink or partake in anything that frightens me
...
 i scare easily
i like safe
i like secure
i'm not much of a risk taker
i've always been 
a
lukewarm, not-too-deep, not-too-fast, watch out for snakes, don't open the door to strangers
kinda girl

but 
lately
yesterday, to be exact

i decided i was too old
to keep playing it safe
mine
has always been a 
life half lived
it is a great life, don't get me wrong
but i've heard  it said 

that

yep
i've always lived right on the edge
 of my comfy zone that is
never quite brave enough
to step
over it
but 
now
i'm ready 
to jump in head first
feet first
without over-thinking
questioning or second guessing
i'm just going to 
throw caution to the wind
and
do the impossible
i will

i think
maybe 
growing old
has made me braver
or maybe just a little
less cautious
either way
i'm ready
 to look fear in the eye
and stare it down
because 

the full force of

knowing 
that my climb up the hill
is done 
and i'm on the downward slope 
is suddenly
 very motivating

10 fears i want to overcome & face before i die:

1. speak in public. because let's face it - speaking to a crowd of one in the bathroom mirror does not count
2. eat Indian, Greek and Lebanese food without making a face, gagging or plugging my nose
3. go on a vacation by myself for week - in another country
4. learn the art of small talk - meet, smile & engage strangers in conversation 
5. give stinky cheese a fighting chance
6. learn to speak in botanical latin and talk to my plants in their native tongue
7. overcome my fear of heights & ride in a hot air balloon
8. revisit and walk all the way through the roman catacombs this time and not giving in to fear and just hitting the gift shop
9. stroll across the capilano suspension bridge, eyes wide open (tightly gripping the railing is allowed)
10. learn sleep at home, alone, in the dark, without a cache of makeshift weaponry beside me & the door barricaded by piles of dirty laundry and luggage

and

to my daughter

Katy

you are smart 

you are brave

and I love you

i wish you

godspeed

and

happy travels

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smile

and sleepless

onesheeptwosheepthreesheepfoursheepfivesheep

i

spent the night

digging around in old files

reminiscing

and

rediscovering

SMILEBOX

i'd haven't play with it in forever

and i'd forgotten how much fun it is

and

i was too busy strolling down 

memory lane

to make a new one 

so i decided to repost

an old one from long ago

smileboxsmileboxsmileboxsmileboxsmileboxsmilebox

i found this one

in the files
and it brought back
and it made me
smile
i still love it

nothing feeds the soul 
like great & wonderful memories

it was a beautiful day 
spent with
 wonderful friends 
at an absolutely amazing garden

smilewalksharethebeautysmilewalksharethebeautysmilewalksharethebeauty

i simply love 
to take pictures
of the beautiful places 
i am lucky enough
to stroll through
and all the beautiful 
nature i meet
along the way

WALKABOUT NO. 57
09.20.12
Bloedel Reserve
Therese, Patti & Nancy 

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ten

some days

a 

 life 

is a beautiful thing

and sometimes

it is not

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lately
I have been lost inside myself

my brain 
is so full of 
disorganized thoughts
it hurts
and these thoughts 
like
 a jumbled pile of hard rocks
teeter
on the very edge of 
who I am

 and when i'm in this state
i constantly berate and question myself
often, loudly
what is your purpose
what do you do
where does your value lie
what do you
contribute
produce
manage
accomplish 
 
because
in my world
i grew up believing
that my whole worth
my value
was measured 
in units of production 
(economic production)
and now
with my ability to produce revenue
all but gone
 i wonder
what is
the value of me 
where does my worth lie
and some days
i can just barely
tread water 
to keep from drowning

and as i struggle
i tell myself
take stock of your being
own up to who you are
take credit where credit is due
beat your own drum
pat yourself on the back
and admit to your failures
because
this is how
you will find
 hope 
and where
you will learn
that
you are worth
whatever you believe 
you are worth

10 accomplishments:

1. raised two amazing women - i'm so proud to call them my daughters (nothing tops that)
2. learned to forgive and let go
3. said goodbye forever to a 15 year, pack-a-day smoking habit
4. graduated university in a 'better late than never' fashion with honors
5. learned to ride a motorcycle
6. walked 60 miles in 3 days & worked for a year to raise almost $5,000 for breast cancer research
7. overcame my fear of flying so I could visit other parts of the world
8. overcame my fear of climbing inside an MRI machine so I could see inside my broken brain 
9. have been successfully married for 29+ happy, contented yet occasionally dysfunctional years
10. i can grill a perfect steak

10 11 failures:

1. can't make pie dough to save my life, once i wasted 2 lbs of flour trying
2. can't follow a recipe, bake or cook great food (redemption: see #10 above)
3. never mastered the art of public speaking, small talk or knowing when to stop talking
4. have not yet managed to successfully controlled my weight
5. never learned to swim properly (I could probably save my life but not very gracefully)
6. took piano lessons for years but never learned to play
7. received an  'A' in every math class i took but yet math still remains a mystery to me
8. have never overcome my fear of being alone in the dark
9. suck at following directions even while i think to myself 'haste makes waste'
10. logic eludes me, never understood the concept of delayed gratification, struggle with strategic planning and always rush into things
11. although once a great multi-tasker i now rarely, if ever, finish anything i start 

N

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