07 January 2014

Time ...

Time brings all things to pass.

Looking back I realize that when I was young I never noticed time - it was almost meaningless. The sun rose - the day started, the sun set -  it ended.  Life was simple.

Making the connection between time & life, learning the value of time and understanding that the tick-tock of time was really the heartbeat of my life didn't come until much later. 

Growing up saw a lot of 'hurry up & wait' and wasted time and like most, I was ignorant of life/time's full value and ephemeral nature.

Childhood seemed to require that we pay little or no attention to the constant tick.tock.tick.tock.tick.tock that beats tirelessly in the background of life.  It was barely noticeable to me and easily overlooked because when you're young all you want is to grow up, fast, to by-pass much your youth in exchange for that mystical & mythical illusion of freedom that so many thinks comes with adulthood.  Me included.

For many years I just assumed that time was on my side - I think I actually believed that I would never grow old, that I could outrun time  ...

If I ran, life ran, if I walked, life walked and when I crawled, life time crawled right along side me but time, time doesn't slow down or hurry up, it just marches forward.

As the years passed - I began to notice my life had become worn, it had begun to fray around the edges, discolor and become gray with the patina of age.

I was letting time overtake me and I had lost the the urge or ability to fight back.  I had surrendered. 

Time had become my stalker - waiting patiently, watching and I have since learned that time cannot tolerate being wasted.  A good life requires that I keep moving forward. 

But I had begun to shrink and wither  - I was letting time was win this battle.

But today, instead of just laying low and playing dead, as time moves onward with the tick-tock precision of a German army marching off to war I ready myself for battle and while I know this is a war I cannot win - I also know that there are many battles to be fought along the way and many small victories to claim as my own.

To be sure, time is a thief, one that will steal my final breath from me without hesitation but I now also realize that time is a precious enemy, one to be safely guarded & held dear because I know that as I get older it will become even more valuable.  

This year I will focus on learning how to create a life where I can THRIVE & grow and I now realize that means I must first learn to embrace time and not fear or ignore it. 

I must learn to spend it wisely, frugally and use it with forethought and not indifference.  I must learn where to best spend my time because in the end it's just that ... it mine!

So, know this, if I am spending my time with you it is because I want to -  because I love you & you are important to me and it is not because I feel that I am obliged to or otherwise have to. 

From this day on, I will no longer lose or waste time simply because my Mother, God Rest Her Soul, taught me to be a good girl and never put myself ahead of others.  She taught me, as many women teach their daughters,  that other people's time & needs were always somehow a little more important than my own. 

I have now decided that she was mistaken about this.  

While she was a very, very good mother and right to teach me that the needs of other people are very important and I thank her for that lesson - I believe she was wrong to teach to me that other people mattered more and that somehow their time (meaning their lives)  were somehow more precious or important than mine - they are not!

Spending your time wisely on things that matter and saying 'no' to those that don't does not make you greedy, selfish or self-centered.  It does not make you a bad girl.  I makes you a strong girl, someone in charge of their own life, their destiny - someone who can THRIVE in their own life.

In a word, I have learned that to begin thriving I must begin to understand & acknowledge my own self-worth - this will be a hard lesson but it is never too late to learn.

The secret of life is enjoying the passage of time.
- James Taylor -

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1 comment:

  1. That is wonderful! I love your thoughts and you are eloquent.


garden thoughts ...

'I sit in my garden, gazing upon a beauty that cannot gaze upon itself. And I find sufficient purpose for my day.'
- Robert Brault -