05 July 2015

ten


some days
 life 
is a beautiful thing
and sometimes
it is not
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lately
I have been lost inside myself
my brain 
is so full of 
disorganized thoughts
it hurts
and these thoughts 
like
 a jumbled pile of hard rocks
teeter
on the very edge of 
who I am
 and when i'm in this state
i constantly berate and question myself
often, loudly
what is your purpose
what do you do
where does your value lie
what do you
contribute
produce
manage
accomplish 
 
because
in my world
i grew up believing
that my whole worth
my value
was measured 
in units of production 
(economic production)
and now
with my ability to produce revenue
all but gone
 i wonder
what is
the value of me 
where does my worth lie
and some days
i can just barely
tread water 
to keep from drowning

and as i struggle
i tell myself
take stock of your being
own up to who you are
take credit where credit is due
beat your own drum
pat yourself on the back
and admit to your failures
because
this is how
you will find
 hope 
and where
you will learn
that
you are worth
whatever you believe 
you are worth


10 accomplishments:

  1. raised two amazing women - i'm so proud to call them my daughters (nothing tops that)
  2. learned to forgive and let go
  3. said goodbye forever to a 15 year, pack-a-day smoking habit
  4. graduated university in a 'better late than never' fashion with honors
  5. learned to ride a motorcycle
  6. walked 60 miles in 3 days & worked for a year to raise almost $5,000 for breast cancer research
  7. overcame my fear of flying so I could visit other parts of the world
  8. overcame my fear of climbing inside an MRI machine so I could see inside my broken brain 
  9. have been successfully married for 29+ happy, contented yet occasionally dysfunctional years
  10. i can grill a perfect steak

10 11 failures:

  1. can't make pie dough to save my life, once i wasted 2 lbs of flour trying
  2. can't follow a recipe, bake or cook great food (redemption: see #10 above)
  3. never mastered the art of public speaking, small talk or knowing when to stop talking
  4. have not yet managed to successfully controlled my weight
  5. never learned to swim properly (I could probably save my life but not very gracefully)
  6. took piano lessons for years but never learned to play
  7. received an  'A' in every math class i took but yet math still remains a mystery to me
  8. have never overcome my fear of being alone in the dark
  9. suck at following directions even while i think to myself 'haste makes waste'
  10. logic eludes me, never understood the concept of delayed gratification, struggle with strategic planning and always rush into things
  11. although once a great multi-tasker i now rarely, if ever, finish anything i start 

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2 comments:

  1. you are stronger than you think, more amazing than you imagine and more loved than your ever know 💚

    ReplyDelete
  2. The loss of the spiritual point of view is the tragedy of our time. Economics is like eating and pooping: a tool to satisfy fundamental physical requirements. Some people specialize in it & for them it's important, but most of us just want it to function properly so we don't have indigestion or homelessness.

    The elements of spirit - love, grace, sacrifice, shared emotions, shared work, bonding, the relationships between us - are what really matter.

    Personally I'm an advocate for including art - it's creation and enjoyment - as perhaps our second highest calling as a society, after being proper stewards (raising the next generation and delivering an intact world to them in better shape than we found it should come first, but that's another topic).

    ReplyDelete

garden thoughts ...


'I sit in my garden, gazing upon a beauty that cannot gaze upon itself. And I find sufficient purpose for my day.'
- Robert Brault -